The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't deserve a penis
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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