Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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