I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
