I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Let the clothes fall where they may.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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