I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
