His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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