dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
