so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
