I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
me + whiskey = a bad person
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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