you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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