mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
