You made me cry and you don't even care
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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