How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
bring money and cleavage
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
