if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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