Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
