I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.