remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
