We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
