Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
