Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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