the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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