she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
