I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
