two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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