I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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