she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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