I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
