i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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