im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
