no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
