Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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