One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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