Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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