You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
