Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
