Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
