I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
