the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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