I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
