Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She even gives head with a lisp.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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