That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
