Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
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I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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