HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
