you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
