I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
