The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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