I just pynch a tree in the face
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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