I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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