thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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