hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
