i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
