i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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