anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
